Today has been topsy-turvy, then again every single day for months has been topsy-turvy.

A friend of mine came around and I said to her how I was starting to feel much closer to myself than I had for years, and then, the next day, they shut the state borders and we had to stay inside. My entire life has been about jumping between the two State borders between my home state and my home town, thousands upon thousands of clicks around the bends of the same damn highway. Then, one day, it all changed, and in my mind’s eye I saw my favourite place in the world. Who knows, maybe this will blow over soon and I can get back to the Bool for Windy August, Windy September, Windy October… (look, it’s 24/7 windy). Despite the world changing, I haven’t drifted away from who I am. If anything, I think I’ve got to know who I am a little more and accept my shortcomings as something I can work with rather than changing.

I’ve always leaned on others for advice, and now I’m no longer in such a safe position to do so. I find some of my friends are better at predicting the future than others, though they don’t mean to, and I like to be in the same room as people when I try to work out what kind of take-home message I can… well, take home. Who do I turn to?

The biggest decision I made, no, the most on-a-whim decision I made was taking a job in the Mid North. It was a part time contract and they set me up with a house, but I knew no one. And the day I decided this I was at Stephen’s place (before we were married) and I just announced to him and his Mum I was taking this job. The decision took me half a day and when my friend Sue said, ‘yeah, but a HOUSE,’ I knew she was right.

The entire time: the trip to visit my new school and new house, I was okay. I was resigned to the fact I was in another transitional mode. Three schools in just over 18 months. Far out. It wasn’t until I started work that I knew what I hadn’t known at the last job: this was where I was meant to be. You see, the last job I’d taken, but I was so unsure about it. I kept seeking out signs and I kept being given signs. But at no point did my soul feel at ease. It wasn’t a good fit for me. What was I to do? By time I had started at my new job I’d just signed a new lease. I had to stay.

The advice I’d get now, for this stage, is all filled with the practicalities. the ‘but whys?’ the ‘but what abouts?’ I was taught when you write students reports you shouldn’t use ‘but’. ‘He’s clever but he won’t listen’. The but discounts whatever the compliment is. No one needs that.

The thing about opportunities is not that you only get so many of them.

The way I see it: boundless opportunities. An abundance of the things!

I’ve never been one to sit still.

My idea of torture would be sitting somewhere with nothing to do for more than a few minutes.

And, counter-balanced, I’ve never been good at waiting.

When I was 10 my friend was coming for a sleepover. She lived out of town and for whatever reason I spent the entire day counting down, thinking things like, ‘she’ll be here when it’s afternoon tea! Wow!’ This is something I’ve never stopped doing. Looking to the future.

Why can’t I just settle where I am? Closer to myself me says: that’s not who you are. And kinder to myself says: you’re more settled than you know.

The only way I can make decisions is to sit with it. And, I hate it, but I’ll do it.

Written by

I like books, rubber ducks, 90s pop music and putting words on paper. Wrote a thesis on romance. Tea and learning tarot.

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