Sunday nights always have a feel of uncertainty mixed with anticipation but tonight, nothing. I’ve been unwell for two months now and my bloods came back to let me know I’m very iron deficient again. This isn’t anything new, I have been anemic or iron deficient for extended periods of my life and last year I thought I had the all clear. Not so much, it seems.

I’ve done all the things: I’ve found this equation called the Iron Protocol, I have medications and cast iron skillets and I’ve had to be okay with eating red meat. But I’ve only known about this a few days and somehow knowing makes it worse. I’m not trusting myself to make decisions. I’m so irritable I’m driving myself bonkers. More to the point, the ongoing loves of my life — reading, driving, fashion, music, my phone — I am struggling to make decisions about that. I can’t settle on a podcast, books, the idea of driving somewhere exhausts me. I can’t even decide whether to still with watching a TV series and had to defer to my bestie to make the choice.

For someone who’s sun is in Capricorn and moon is in Taurus, the very idea of not being stubborn on anything is way out of character. Capricorn and Taurus together is such a contradiction — Caps are notoriously hardworking and Taurus can be lazy AF — but it explains so much. I’m good at procrastinating but I can get shit done when it has to be. God bless deadlines. Today, and yesterday though I haven’t been doing anything except resting (well, Saturday morning I went to gym, but still). Even on my hardest days I’ve always had some kind of get up and go.

I feel like I could sleep for days and still be tired.

I remember for a long time I used to test my energy levels by asking myself a question: could I drive from home to Victor Harbor? Or, when I was in Victor, could I drive back to Adelaide? It’s not a long drive but I find it a little challenging with the hills, twists and bends. It’s not always a good system, I kind of need to be in either place to make the call. And this week my new energy level test is simply: do I have enough energy to drive to my old house and back again? The answer is no.

Luckily I have reinforcements coming tomorrow.

I feel like I should feel sad or something. I kind of am in some ways — I don’t like feeling like this. But I feel empowered too. I have made decisions to not make decisions. I used to think that ‘trusting yourself’ was an obvious thing. Now I know enough to not trust myself for a little longer. Even my intuition feels a bit out of whack.

A few days, weeks, months, I’ll be back to myself again. In the meantime I won’t be signing contracts. When they say ‘sleep on it’ they probably don’t mean ‘until Christmas time’, but here we are.

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I like books, rubber ducks, 90s pop music and putting words on paper. Wrote a thesis on romance. Tea and learning tarot.

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